Something Taboo

My friend and I have been talking about his decision to snoop and what it means for the relationship.

That’s the art of communication though. You need to learn how to communicate with that person in particular. If you’re consistently getting it wrong (them reacting negatively causing more trouble) then you aren’t asking the right questions and likely, you have made another poor choice in mate since they’re contributing poorly to the situation too (by reacting negatively instead of trying to problem solve). If they freak out when you try to discuss an issue, then the simplest thing to do next is ASK how they’d like to discuss such issues in the future. If you’re rubbing them wrong discussing something that NEEDS to be discussed, find out a better way, and the only person that can help you with that mystery is them.

If you can’t have a conversation about things then you will always fail. I promise.

The word confrontation doesn’t have to be a negative one. People assume that calling out an issue is a negative experience because of the way it makes them feel. But just because you’re uncomfortable about it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be talked about. You follow me? You just need to find ways to be “heard”. And that’s where compatibility comes in too. Some people respond to tough love, others don’t. Some people need a hand holding and coaxing when talking things thru, others need it like a bandage being ripped off, straight and to the point. These methods should be something you discuss with a new partner.

For example. My SO and I have seen firsthand his brothers and their wives deal with conflict. We’ll all be hanging out in a group, the wife of one, will not like something the husband does. She barks some sarcastic thing at him in front of all of us which in turn has a negative reaction from him as he’s embarrassed and tries to show off and be macho in retaliation. A reaction that she didn’t want in the first place. And then trouble ensues. What should have happened is her pulling him aside, out of earshot of everyone else, and mentioned the issue, to either resolve on the spot or to discuss later.

We actively discussed what we saw wrong with that example and have agreed to do just that, pull each other aside, and say, “hey, you know what, XYZ bothers me, how do you want to address that?” While we might have a different approach in handling the issue, we’ve come to an preconceived agreement that A. we won’t embarrass the other by calling each other out in front of everyone. and B. we’ll address it later, when the time and place are right and C. establish that XYZ is a problem for the other person.

If it comes down to “hey, I don’t like how XYZ went down” then the followup would be “Ok, I respect that’s how you feel, how would you like to see it go next time?” And come to some agreement on how it will go.

While this example isn’t the same as your experience, its about communication. It doesn’t work all the time, but for the most part, its helped to avoid a lot of unnecessary drama and in turn we’ve each learned something valuable about our partner. This+That=negative consequences and THIS+THAT=a much better situation. And now we know, better ways to communicate with each other in particular types of situations.

Down South

My husband and myself have been loyal renters going on 6 years now and I think that loyalty is about to come to a halt. We always said we would know when it is time to buy our first home and we both agreed that the time is now. Our lease is coming up in two months and we have no plans on renewing it. Our landlord has told us in the past that since we have been such great tenants we could always go month to month if needed so we’ll do that if needed.

I am going to start looking for homes for sale in South Austin as that is where my husband works. It is a nice area and him not having to commute as far for his job would be nice. Right now he is traveling 35 miles one way and runs into a lot of traffic so while that might not seem like a long way it is.  My husband also has a couple different things he wants in our home. His big thing is having a backyard. Being renters we didn’t have to cut our own grass or do any kind of yard work for that matter and that is something he enjoys doing. I could care less about planting flowers and all that stuff myself so I don’t really care one way or the other. I just want a pool and if that means having a big backyard then so be it. I work from home so having a pool will be nice. I could go out for a dip at lunch or whenever I want really. I have a daily quota of what I need to get done and as long as they are all submitted by 11:59 that night I can do them whenever I want.

Another thing he wants is a finished basement. He loves to shoot billiards and wants his own table. I told him that would be fine but he better make sure I can’t hear the balls knocking around upstairs when I’m watching TV. I used to be pretty good at shooting pool myself but lost my touch as I got a little older. I am a good shooter but I always had trouble setting up my next shot which is what separates the good players from the bad ones. I might have to go downstairs and practice that if we do get one.